Green

Two friends of mine have gotten jobs in the theatre for the fall. A professional Equity theatre that has the ability to grant Equity status to those who work there. (Equity is the actor/stage manager theatre union here in Canada and can be a difficult world to navigate. I will most definitely be posting more on that later.) Normally Equity can take several years to get into but there is a way to get around that by being sponsored for membership by an Equity theatre. Which both my friends are receiving as I understand it.

I am completely overjoyed and happy for both of them. The first is a close friend and stage manager who definitely has a guaranteed career in front of her. Probably the best stage manager I've ever worked with. If anyone deserves to be "fast tracked" into a career it's her.

The second friend is an actor. And again, I am ecstatic for her. She has always been a "force to be reckoned with" in our university theatre. Plus she's probably the most lovely and kind person I know.

But I can't help feeling just a little bit jealous, and it's totally unfounded.

Besides the fact that my friend more than deserves this wonderful opportunity and has definitely worked hard for it, I also am nowhere near the place in my career to be wanting or needing Equity membership. I've only really known I want to be an actor for the past year or so and have recognized that in order to do so I need a lot more training before jumping into the business.

So why this jealousy when I know I'm not ready to be trying for the same level of achievement that my friends have?

I think maybe my jealousy stems not from a desire to have immediate success in an acting career or from contempt for anyone who achieves this before me, but from a disappointment in myself for not realizing my true career aspirations earlier. I feel like if I had been sure of my acting abilities and my desire to pursue acting as a career, and not just a pastime, even two to three years before I did, I would have been more likely to seek out more consistent and rigorous training, instead of the occasional class or audition for a school show.

However, I did not discover any of this three years ago and so my first combatant against this disappointment, disguised as jealousy of my friends and colleagues, has to be acceptance of what I can accomplish now with the skills I do have and focus on what I can do to improve on those skills so I can achieve my dreams.